Emily's Powerful Testimony

Today's post is written by Emily Effler, whom I am honored to call friend.  She shines brightly because of the love of God and Spirit of God inside of her.  Her testimony is a powerful story of God's redemptive grace.  To contact Emily or visit her marriage website click here.

I never gave much thought to grace when I was a kid. I was born and raised in the church and heard it spoken of a bazillion times, and I grew sort of bored with it. I knew the definition. I wanted to hear about something else, like the stuff about all the bad things we weren't supposed to do. I liked hearing that because I knew I wasn't doing any of it, and I guess it made me feel superior. I didn't do drugs, drink, have sex, steal, or any of that. I felt pretty good about being on God's “good” list. The only sins I committed were really little ones, like occasionally disobeying my parents, or telling a small lie, but everybody did that, and it was no big deal. By 19, I thought I was pretty awesome. I started actually reading my Bible daily, and I felt really good about that. I felt very religious, and figured God must really be happy with me, unlike all those foolish people who wouldn't listen to him and were out living wild lives. I not only read the Bible, but I knew a whole lot about it, and I felt good about that too. I knew more than most other 19 year olds, I thought. I should probably teach some sort of class.

When I turned 20 I married my high school sweetheart, Jordan. Jordan was not super excited about church. In fact, I had to nag him incessantly to get him to go at all, and then he always sat and scowled through the service because he'd rather be sleeping in. I wanted him to do a devotion with me, but he wouldn't. I wanted him to pray with me, but he wouldn't. I was feeling very superior to him by this point, as he clearly was a godless heathen. I began feeling like a martyr having to put up with him and his grouchy godlessness. And that felt pretty good too.

After a while, we became friends with another couple, and we hung out all the time. The guy paid a lot of attention to me. He said a lot of nice things to me. He was not grouchy. He seemed kind and loving. We all started drinking together a lot. After about a year, we started having an affair. I knew God wasn't happy. I knew verse after verse about how evil adultery was, but I was angry with God and blamed him. Clearly he had screwed up by putting me with Jordan. He should have put me with the other guy, who was clearly my soul mate. Now our entire lives were screwed up, and it was all God's fault. My soul was tortured. I went from feeling angry with God, to disgusted with myself the day I held their newborn baby. I knew I was no longer on God's “good” list.

Jordan and I divorced, and so did the other couple. The guy stopped talking to me. There were times I honestly longed to die, but had no stomach for suicide. I remember having the thought that I'd done more harm in my life than good. I hated myself and what I had become, but I knew I deserved it. I knew God wanted nothing to do with me til I cleaned up my act. I tried going to church for a while, but it was sporadic at best. Most Sunday mornings I was hung over and slept in. When I did go, my soul hurt every time they sang about peace. I would have given anything for peace rather than the stress, anxiety, and self-loathing I constantly felt. I did not understand why I couldn't get it. I did not understand why I couldn't stop drinking. I did not understand why I couldn't just DO what God said to do. I knew it all. I just couldn't do it.

Finally in my bedroom one day, I hit my knees, bawling. I read Romans 12:2, and learned that God could transform me by changing the way I think. I had no idea God could make me think differently. That was exactly what I needed. For the first time in my life I actually “grieved, mourned, and wailed” over my sin. I confessed all I'd done and all I still wanted to do and begged Him to change the way I thought. I begged Him to make me different, and I confessed I was totally hopeless to change myself. After 25 years of calling myself a Christian, that was the “aha” moment. It's the first time I really understood just how bad I was. That's the day I understood grace.

The grace he showed me looked like this: When I was a disgusting mess, He forgave me AND He gave me his Spirit. He kept his word, and he did change the way I thought. Gradually I liked drinking less and less, until I totally quit getting drunk. I cut off inappropriate relationships and stopped dating altogether. I wanted my God. I didn't need a man to validate me anymore. I acquired a hunger for his Word I'd never had before-- a genuine one, born of complete helplessness and trust in Him. I knew doing things my way ruined my life, and I was desperate for his way. I felt peace. And even joy. The shame melted away over time. I finally felt, deep within my soul, that I was finally legitimately His daughter and that He loved me, and that assurance still thrills my soul today.  He led me to call my ex-husband to apologize. My ex-husband had also experienced God's grace in the two years since I'd seen him last. He’d forgiven me and prayed for me before I even called.  With God's leading, we remarried. I have never been happier!  I adore him, and our two children.  This is the happy family I always dreamed of. I know what I deserve, and it's not this.  Praise God for his mercy and grace!


images: freedigitalphotos.net/Graur Codrin